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Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)
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Author:  GonzoRacer [ August 23, 2018, 11:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Perry- You gave me fair warning, but I went and read it anyway... :rofl:

Author:  cs3tcr [ August 23, 2018, 11:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Three ducks walk into a bar and sit doon to have a drink. The bartender asks the first duck his name and what he's been up to all day. The duck replies "i'm Huey, and I've been drinking lager and whisky, and been in and out of puddles all day". The bartender goes to the next duck and asks the same question, the duck replies "I'm Dewey, and I've been drinking lager and whisky, and been in and out of puddles all day". The bartender turns to the last duck and goes "I suppose your Louie?", and the duck replies "No, I'm Puddles".

Author:  horchoha [ December 10, 2018, 3:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

This is a take away from JD's build log, I don't want to corrupt it.
Talking about compressor rod entrance sleeves brought back the memory of an old joke.

A mother and her child are driving the country and come across a horse in a pasture.

Child - Oh look mommy, what's hanging from that horse, is it sick?
Mother - Hmfff! I wish your father was half that sick!

Author:  GonzoRacer [ December 11, 2018, 8:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

horchoha wrote:
This is a take away from JD's build log, I don't want to corrupt it.
Talking about compressor rod entrance sleeves brought back the memory of an old joke.

A mother and her child are driving the country and come across a horse in a pasture.

Child - Oh look mommy, what's hanging from that horse, is it sick?
Mother - Hmfff! I wish your father was half that sick!
Wait... You didn't want to corrupt my build log? At Team Slotus? You're at least 150 pages too late... :mrgreen:

Author:  GonzoRacer [ April 26, 2019, 8:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Stolen from the Aussie car builder's forum:

One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.”

“You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment."

Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, "I wasn't."

Author:  Trochu [ August 13, 2019, 9:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Image

Author:  horchoha [ January 22, 2020, 11:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

This actually happened to me when I was a young kid.
When I was growing up our family used to go for a summer vacation into the Rocky Mountains and stay at a national park campsite. At the time there were no flush toilets in the park, just outhouses. Well I went into one of these to do my business, closed the door and sat down. Looking at the inside of the door I saw that someone had scribed the outline of the female body. Across the lips was written 'these are for kissing', across the breasts was written 'these are for caressing', and across the crotch was real small writing. So small that I had to lean forward to read what was written, 'you are now crapping at a 45 degree angle'.

Author:  Trochu [ January 30, 2020, 12:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Mid-80s, mired in quality issues and having its lunch eaten by the imports, Dodge arranges a fact-finding tour of a Honda factory. After having the opportunity to observe various parts of the manufacturing process, the delegation finally makes its way to the final assembly line where they are taken aback by a strange sight: as finished cars roll off, a worker occasionally takes a newborn kitten out a box and puts it in a random car.

The tour guide explains: “We take quality extremely seriously. If we come in in the morning and the kittens are dead, well, the assembly is good; if they are alive we have sealing issues!”

6 month later, a GM delegation is invited to a Dodge plant to observe the implementation of the Japanese best practices. As the tour is about wrap up, a similar scene unfolds: as the finish cars roll off, a worker tosses full-grown cats into random vehicles.

Tour guide proudly explains to the astonished GM delegation: “That’s one of the Japanese techniques. We take quality very seriously: if we come in the morning and cats are alive, job well done; if they are no longer in the car, we got sealing issues!”

Author:  JackMcCornack [ March 20, 2020, 3:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

I didn't hear this joke, I made it up:


I’ve stopped having recreational sex outside my primary relationship. I’m afraid one of them will touch my face.

What. Too soon?

Author:  BostonWill [ March 20, 2020, 4:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

When I was you I would stop at a bar in Nor Cal on the way home to have a beer. On the weekends it was a Biker Bar- bit of a rough crowd. So the place could sometimes look a bit worse for ware.

One day I was at the urinal doing by business and reading the graffiti on the wall. Someone had recently written the following:

"Anyone can pee on the floor, Be a Hero, SH*T on the ceiling!"

Needless to say, I didn't look up!

Thom

Author:  rx7locost [ March 28, 2020, 9:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)


Author:  rx7locost [ September 30, 2020, 12:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Another one

Author:  KB58 [ September 30, 2020, 5:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

I don't remember where I heard this, hope it wasn't here":

A husband's taking a shower while his wife, in a bathrobe, waits her turn. The doorbell rings so she goes to open the door, and it's her husband's friend next door, "Bob." He asks if her husband's home and she says yes but he's taking a shower. Bob says okay, then hesitates, "hey, I'll give you $100 right now if you flash me your boobs." The wife thinks about it for a second and goes, "Meh, sure", and gets the $100. Bob then says, "and if you flash your whole front, I'll give you another $200." She thinks about it, and figures her husband will never know, and flashes him, getting the $200. Bob leaves and she goes back upstairs, where her husband says from the shower, "who was that?" She says, "that was Bob", and her husband asks, "Did he say anything about the $300 he owes me?"

I really like this because it sort of keeps the universe in balance.

Author:  Bent Wrench [ October 1, 2020, 12:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Shamelessly stolen from another forum....

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

Author:  Bent Wrench [ October 1, 2020, 12:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

Oh and another

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

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