Heard any good jokes? (Human-proof)

[rx7locost]

Note the release date for this new product.

[zetec7]

Yeah, the "launch date" at the very end is the key!!

[rx7locost]

From another website:

An Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

[GonzoRacer]

Stolen from the Aussie Clubman forum. Kinda sick, but funny!

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

I know it's not 3 because my shed is still dark.

[Lonnie-S]

Yeah, sick, but funny, JD.

God help me, eh?

Cheers,

[GonzoRacer]

Chain Saw.jpg

Just bought a new chain saw from Horrible Freight. Came with an extra chain.

[Bent Wrench]

A (back)woodsman went to the hardware store to get a new handle for his axe.
The shop keeper told the woodsman he would give him a new axe handle if he bought a chainsaw.
The shop keeper guaranteed the woodsman he could cut 4 cords or more of firewood a day with the chainsaw,
if not he would return the chainsaw for a full refund and keep the new axe handle.
The woodsman could see he had nothing to loose and bought the chainsaw and got his free axe handle.
He returned a week later mad as hell and told the shop keeper he was glad he got a new axe handle or he never could have finished his project.
"Here's yer dang chainsaw and I want my money back and I'm keepin the new handle like you said."
"I busted my arse and the best I could cut was 1/2 a cord of firewood in one day with the durn'd thing"

"Now wait a minute there, there's no way that chainsaw won't cut 4 cords or more a day" says the shopkeeper
"My boy cut 8 cords of wood just the other day with a saw just like that."
"Let's have a look at it." They go outside and the shop keeper checks out the saw and the chain is sharp, and adjusted everything looks good.
He grabs the cord and gives it a yank and the saw starts right up!
The woodsman jumps back and says "Holy [PooPoo]! What's that noise!!!"
:^)

[BBlue]

Just too funny.

http://www.dizzyturtle.com/bullied-by-driver/

Bill

[Trochu]

A Scotsman and an Englishman are neighbors in adjoining townhomes, they're both taking a break on their front steps. Curiously they've both been doing the same chore: stripping out wallpaper.

What's the difference?

The Englishman is renovating and the Scotsman is moving.

[rx7locost]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[rx7locost]

I found this one today on another website I occasionally visit. I Find, at least for me, it is so true! That reminds me to go out in the shop today.

[Trochu]

Tomoorw is Punch Your Annoying Coworker in the Face Day. If you don't know who that is, I would suggest you don't go to work tomorrow.

[GonzoRacer]

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
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The Zippo is a little lighter...

[benny_toe]

People frequently complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.

The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

"What's the matter? asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later, the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Janice……

[GonzoRacer]

Good one, Larry! I stole it and re-posted...